Plans

I believe that God has a plan.

I believe that I have a place in God's plan.

I believe that I can't screw up God's plan for my life, if I am in submission to him.

At least, these are the things that I want to believe.

Lately, I come across an inner conflict and tell myself "this is something I've never struggled with before." I think that the reality is that I've just never been aware of that particular struggle. For example, when I struggled with anxiety after Evie was born, I thought it was the first time anxiety had been an issue for me, until I realized that I'd had panic attacks all throughout high school, without ever knowing what to name them.

Now, I realize that I've got some serious issues with not feeling valuable. Like I'm not the person that I'm supposed to be. This seems to carry over into every area of my life, from work to parenting to marriage. I don't remember struggling with my self esteem much before adulthood, but I know that I must have. I do know that I always assumed that the people I was with were better than me at most things. I never considered myself very ______ (fill in the blank with a positive trait like hardworking, intelligent, thoughtful, etc.) I did grow up in between two very intelligent siblings, and my friends were all of the smartest people in our grade. My two best friends were valedictorian and salutatorian.

Then again, I never berated myself or considered myself less of a person because of my weaknesses, either. It's only recently that I am constantly fighting to figure out my place in this world, and wanting so badly to be outstanding at something.

Ugh. All this internal turmoil, and not adequate words to describe it. I sound like a whiny teenager. Bless my heart.

I guess I'm just like Michael W. Smith in that nineties Christian song, I'm just looking to find my place in this world. At least I'm not like Mark Lowry, and looking for my face in this world...