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Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I am quite a mess this week. It usually happens this time of year, with the cold and the routines and the gray. However, this year is different. In good and bad ways. Really, they are all good ways, but more difficult.

I can't check out. I can't stay home in my pajamas all day and procrastinate. Now that I'm in seminary, It's finals week. I have to be even more on top of my game this week. Except, we are all sick and I'm running on zero sleep in addition to the stress and seasonal emotional issues.

How am I handling it all? Well, like I said, I'm an emotional mess, but I don't know if anyone else can tell. I'm bad about that. I don't mean to be a fake, but I don't seem to let on enough how bad off I really am. Every hour is a battle, but my prayer life is getting stronger. I don't mean to overreact, it's just that I'm sorting out a lot right now, and it makes doing the day to day a little more difficult.

If you ask my why I'm stressed and sad, I can't really give a straight answer. Yes, I'm stressed because I have some really big tests coming up and I don't have the time or brainpower to prepare properly. I also don't have good enough grades to be able to afford bombing my finals.

However, I think I'm mostly stressed because I'm figuring out my role in life. I don't know why I choose the most inopportune times to struggle with this. It really would make sense if I could just tuck my head and get through the next week before having another existential crisis, but I just don't function that way. I'm not too sure what I believe about the devil these days, but whatever it is, it's out to get me this week, I'm sure of it.

Am I a good enough mother? Wife? Student? Minister? What am I called to do, exactly, and how do I go about pursuing it? How does who I was mesh with the role I am in now? I used to be 100% homemaker, and it wasn't a good fit for me, but I had the experience and knowhow to do it. Now I'm about 50% student, and the rest is a weird, constantly shuffling mixture of mom, wife, and woman. I know that I married young, had kids young, and never went through that adolescent "who am I and where do I fit in this world?" thing, mostly on account of I never stopped to question the role that was set before me. Who set that role for me? It was a combination of voices; largely my own, unwilling to compromise and be human, voice.

How can I possibly be all of the things that I'm trying to be, and why am I trying to be them, anyway? I desperately want to live out the call I feel on my life, and continue to better equip myself for it. However, I also have some pretty heavy family commitments and a deep need for roots and community that are being neglected right now, as I pursue that training and calling.

How do I do it all? I know that I can't, but I also do not feel free (or want to) eliminate anything.

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