An aside from sermon prep

*aside* 

I love it so much that I avoid it. That's completely normal, right? Brene Browne would say that I'm afraid of losing it, so I sabotage myself. Enneagram gurus say that it's my number – 9 – that makes me afraid of such strong emotion. 

What I'm speaking of here is my love for studying a biblical text (or anything, really – it could be a piece of art, a memory, an aspect of nature, a poem or story) until it comes apart and reincarnates as something deeper, more powerful, or at the very least applicable to my life. It makes me feel alive. Just now, I was studying Acts 1:1-11. I'm trying to learn to navigate "The text this week" and the Vanderbilt library's online resources. I don't know why. For my own edification, I guess. I have dual fears – one that I'm not a worthy vessel, which is a spiritual way to say that I'm afraid I’m not good enough to be a spiritual leader or teacher in any sort of vocational way. I might really embarrass myself if I ever presume to have what it takes to do that job. I'll only briefly mention my ongoing battle with presuppositions about my gender – my own and those in general society – that feed this insecurity monster. What if I say I'm called, but no one else believes it? 

This aforementioned fear is the equal and opposite contender of the next one – fear that I am actually gifted and called. What a burden, this responsibility to use my gift, to lead others. To put myself out there knowing that I have no other option but to lay myself bare and open myself up to all kinds of criticism. To get it wrong again and again, publicly. How does one steward a call? What is a call? Is it the burden of the privileged because, after all, most of humankind has been called to stay alive and work so that her family and community could survive, as well. Perhaps, as usual, I'm taking the thing I cannot know – my calling and vocation (v 7) - and making it my sole focus when what I should actually do is wait patiently and then do the thing I can know (serve and love those within my proximity, while developing my love for study and writing as a source of sustenance and sanity for myself, a way to know God. If I have an opportunity to share this source, then I am called to do so). ***end of aside***