Daniel

Today is your 24th birthday. If I could mail you a letter in heaven, what would it say?

I would start out trying to sound hopeful, maybe pointing out all of the ways that the pain I've suffered has made me a better person. I'd tell you how my grief has been able to help others along the way.

Too many others. Suicide is an epidemic in America now. I wonder if you knew that, before you took your life? I wish I had known. I wish I had seen the signs.

I don't spend as much time wishing now, though. I've mostly accepted the truth. Most of the time. Can you believe that, four years later, I still forget sometimes that you're not here anymore? It gets especially bad during the holidays, when the whole family gets together.

Am I angry? Not at you. I still feel mostly protective of my baby brother. I know that you don't need protecting anymore, but, still. I was angry at God for a while, for not rescuing you, but I know now that he did. Why did you have to suffer so much first? Some answers never come.

It does get to me sometimes, all of the minor details that could have been different in your last days. Maybe one small thing could have changed your fate. What would it be like to have you still here? I didn't appreciate my family enough until you we gone. I took you all for granted, but not anymore.

If there is any good that has come from losing you, it's the closeness that the rest of us have now, having walked such a terrible path together. I can't say it was worth losing you for, but I don't really have a choice, do I?

There are a few other people in heaven that I wonder if you've been able to meet. People that left this world the same way you did. Friends and family and friends of friends.

There is something about your birth, life and death that I just can't wrap my mind around. I can't imagine the feeling that Mom and Dad must have when this day comes every year. The days that my children were born mark the best of my life. Birthdays are for celebrating life. Your birthday is a day that I try to celebrate your 19 years. It's a day that I should be thankful that you were in my life at all. It doesn't come naturally, though. What comes naturally is to think that it sure would have been nice to know you as a 24 year old. Your friend are getting married, having kids, going off on the mission field. I'm proud of them, and I see you in them. It hurts, though. Every time I one of them reaches such a milestone, I'm reminded of what we were cheated of when you chose to leave, all because you lost perspective for a little while and can't take it back.

Out of the Darkness Walk (Guest Post)

This Friday, I have a guest post from Pamela Roza, my aunt. She has a blog of her own SAHM spot, where she likes to write occasionally about the ins and outs of being a stay at home mom, as well as some tips she's found along the way.


This topic is, of course, very close to my heart and I would love to host or take part in an out of the darkness walk in my area. Let me know if you're interested!

Dear Friends:

Last September we lost my nephew, Sarah's brother, Daniel Knox to suicide. He was 19 years old. Our family lost a brother, son, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend to suicide. He would have been a wonderful uncle to Izzy as well. He loved kids. My sons, who are only 4 and 2 years old, still talk about their “Uncle Daniel.”

We are all forever changed by this tragic event. My hope is that through education and awareness, those suffering with a mental illness will be prompted to seek help.

In his honor and memory my friend Patience Glasko and I will be walking in AFSP's Miami-Dade County Out of the Darkness Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, joining with thousands of people participating in Out of Darkness walks nationwide. I would appreciate any support that you give me for this worthwhile cause. Here is the link to my donor page:http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&eventID=1556&participantID=231801 . You may either donate online, or you may send a check (made payable to AFSP) to: AFSP, 120 Wall Street, 22nd Floor, New York, NY 10005. Please write my name in the memo line of all checks. All donations are 100% tax deductible.

Funds from this event will support education and research programs for those who suffer from mental disorders and for who have lost a loved one to suicide. This year, our goal is $6 million. Please visit www.outofthedarkness.org for more information, including a brochure that lists exactly how the funds are used http://afsp.donordrive.com/assets/AFSP/files/Walk%20Funds%20Flyer.pdf.

Thank you so much for your support!

With much love,

Pamela Roza Hayes

Don't forget that Monday starts "Meal Plan Mondays!" Please come share your meal plan, tips for meal planning, or fun recipes you plan to try next week! If you have a blog, share a link!

Beginnings and Endings

I'm going to skip a few years, for the sake of staying on topic. In yesterday's post, I was in college and learning all about the benefits of probiotics (a fancy word for "good bacteria"). Today, I'm going to pick up the story in China.

What does China have to do with my story? Well, hubby Dennis and I lived there for ten months from 2009-2010. Two months after I graduated from college, we put everything we had into storage and a couple suitcases and headed halfway across the planet to be teachers. We have a lot of precious memories and friends from the China season of our lives, and you can read more about that here, if you feel so inclined.

Living and working full time in China was really hard on me, physically. We were constantly climbing stairs, walking, and biking everywhere. I was only a few months in when I began to feel like something just wasn't right.  I thought that my body would get used to all of the stair climbing, but I just seemed to be in more and more pain as the weeks went on. Every day became an exercise in willpower, as I climbed the stairs to get to work, climbed the stairs to get home, and climbed stairs all day each day as I went from classroom to classroom. Eventually, all walking hurt. Everything hurt. I would wake up hurting in the night, and sleep deprivation added to the problems. I began to suspect that I had inherited the disease that my mother suffers from - fibromyalgia. I've never visited a doctor to be offically diagnosed, and I don't like to think of myself as being ill, but as having "starter symptoms" for fibromyalgia. My pain is nothing like what my Mom has been through, and I hope that catching my "predisposition" early will help me to keep things from progressing much further.

So, in the midst of this physically taxing, emotionally draining time of my life, what did I decide to do? I up and got pregnant. I know, I know, what were we thinking? I was in a foreign country and already feeling pushed to my limits. I'm so glad that I got pregnant, though. Not just because I'm so in love with my Isabella that I would do it all again in a heartbeat, but because God's timing is always perfect.

Fast forward about nine months from that morning in China, trying to read a pregnancy test that's all in Chinese. Hubby Dennis and I were living in New Orleans, awaiting the arrival of a little person who would change our lives forever. I had no idea just how much my life really was about to change.

I'll never ever forget that morning on September 21st, 2010. It's the morning that my husband had to sit me down in our little apartment in New Orleans and tell me that, a few hours earlier, my little brother's body had been found in his apartment in Starkville. He had committed suicide. I remember those first few moments as if they were hours. I remember dear friends packing my bags for the trip home, and packing a little bag for the baby I'd be bringing home. I remember those first few days, just telling myself to keep breathing. There was a little person inside of me who needed that oxygen.

I remember six days later, when God allowed a little 8 pound 13 ounce bundle of shining light to arrive and bring hope and reason to celebrate to a community that was hurting.

I was forever changed.

Here's that box of e-tissues I promised you yesterday.

I had originally intended to finish my story today, but I feel like it's best that I break here and conclude tomorrow with how all of this made me even more determined to find a better way. I'll also talk about just what living natural means to me. (Hint, it has nothing to do with spending lots of money on strange and expensive foods....except for the occasional splurge.)